Safe.
This place is a sanctuary to me - I am free from everything, and in saying that, I don’t mean that I ignore my emotions and bottle anything up. This is a place where I can laugh or cry and not worry who is going to judge me or tell me how irrationally asinine I’m being. I’m free to think about anything I want. I don’t know much about emotional/mental safety, but I think that this place - right here - is as close as I’ve ever gotten.
When I was younger, if anyone even thought they saw a sparkle of a daydream in my eyes I was immediately reprimanded for living in my own head. Here I can use my imagination, and use it for something, rather than letting it go to waste. I used to resent my parents, teachers, an doctors for being against my imagination but I’m an adult now - its not worth getting angry over. Nothing is.
Will told me once that I confused being mellow with being emotionless and it really bothered me because I had to be stronger than him to remain calm enough to take all the shit he dished out. There was one time I stayed a weekend at my moms and took the iPhone with me, and I was looking for a way out - I was trapped and he knew he had me whipped, abused, and too scared to do anything about it - I started texting John and a couple days after I got back he threw that brick of a phone right into my leg, as he walked out the door with his friends. Instead of just talking to me about it he made a scene and left with the people who were all more important to him than me - the same people who fucked his life up more and more every day, when all I ever wanted to do was successfully help someone. I tried so hard and they all just spit in my face and told me what a fuckup I was.
I didn’t even say anything really mushy or anything to John - that point and before he was more of a “someone to talk to” than a boyfriend and I felt stupid for trying to chase something that didn’t exist. The only thing our relationship ever amounted to was sex and drugs.
I’ve been through some fucked up shit but here - here I am safe and I can let all these bad thoughts and this stress fade. I can finally start to forget about all of the horrible shit. I have someone who I love more than life and he actually loves me too. He doesn’t sit around and fuck with my head just for fun. He tells me the truth. He doesn’t try to fuck women in the bathroom at the bar and then come home and tell all of his friends in front of his girlfriend about it.
I can talk to him about anything - anything that’s bothering me and while he may not always have an answer he always listens to me. That’s more than I have ever been able to get anyone to do. If people would just listen to me and hear me out I wouldn’t be so fucked up in the head - they were all too busy with their own little perfect lives to even hear me make a sound. Then they want to tell me what to do? Why should I listen to them if they will not listen to me? Because they’re older? They made me understand things that I shouldn’t even have to think about at my age , so surely that is not the reason.